i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
