Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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