Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
