remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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