I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
