Sry I called you an 8
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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