i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
