I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
