Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
