Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Those nachos came to me in a dream
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
