Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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