fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Is it because I queefed?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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