Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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