Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
