Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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