You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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