All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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