i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize