My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
COCAINE IS GR8
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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