ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my mouth tastes like poor choices
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
