Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
