There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
