you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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