Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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