i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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