I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
