My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
either way he was missing a nipple.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
