I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
