Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
