he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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