You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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