sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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