i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i out mim tonsoeep
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