ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
