I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
