Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
