you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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