My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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