My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So here I am, sexting at work.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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