dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize