He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
