I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
