God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
