Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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