I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
