I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize