I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
