if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
