She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I smell like Dick and happiness
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
