Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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