there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
