This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
