I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
What happened to fro yo and sex?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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