i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
