I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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