he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
