Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
