I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
