i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
